How many times have you walked into an argument and immediately became angry?
How many times has a grumpy child come into your space and made you grumpy?
What other situations have you noticed that you start to match the emotions of someone else?
This emotional synchronization happens all the time, but when we recognize its power, holding space can become our greatest parenting tool.
Holding Space
What does it mean to hold space?
It simply means that you hold onto your own positive emotion no matter what other negative emotions others bring to you.
Emotions vibrate at different frequencies.
The law of nature says that no two emotions can coexist in the same space without synchronizing or leaving the space.
Your job as a parent is to deliberately hold on to your happiness, calm, and confidence so that your child can start to feel that too.
And yes, holding onto a positive emotion and staying calm intentionally takes effort!
It is not easy to show up to your child’s negative emotions while purposefully holding on to your calm.
Stay nearby so they can synchronize to your calm emotion and connect with them as soon as you can.
Holding Space in Action
The best example that I can give for this is teenagers.
I have worked with teenagers in a church capacity for 10 years and it’s so easy to walk into a space full of teenagers and immediately feel a lack of confidence, inadequate, and like you don’t matter.
Why?
Even for adults! Why?
Because you are synchronizing to their emotions.
So what I’ve had to learn to do deliberately is to show up to a room full of teenagers and hold on to my confidence, my likability, and push it out.
So they can start to synchronize to me and feel good about themselves.
See these role plays for more examples of what it looks like to hold space.
Using Mantras to Hold Space
“Do you have any ideas or tips for how to stay calm when I’m feeling triggered?”
Oh yes, I do!
Mantras!
I love the simplicity and power of a good mantra because it gives the brain enough time to pause, get a clear perspective, and respond while staying calm.
Mantras take no preparation or thinking on your part.
When you are struggling to stay calm and hold space, simply repeat an intentional phrase over and over again to yourself. This puts the triggering behavior into perspective and gives you a chance to not react in haste.
Here are some of my favorite mantras to help you hold your calm:
- She’s trying so hard
- This isn’t an emergency
- Just like me
Examples of Mantras in Action
Picture this, you walk into the kitchen to find your toddler sobbing, soaking wet with milk. An empty jug and a completely dry bowl of cereal sit at her feet.
What emotions is she projecting? Hysteria. Frustration. Impending Doom.
Entering the situation, you can either choose to:
a) sync to the emotion in the room and begin yelling and rushing to clean up the milk and the toddler.
OR
b) remember your favorite mantra, “she’s trying so hard” or “this isn’t an emergency”, and take a few seconds to close your eyes and see this for what it is. A mess that can be cleaned up. A child in need of love and comfort. You come into the room with your calm confidence and let her synchronize with you.
Can you sense in your body how different those two outcomes feel?
Another one of my very favorite mantras is “Just like me.”
That sounds like this:
“She doesn’t want to have to eat food she doesn’t like. Just like me.”
“He gets frustrated when he doesn’t get what he wants. Just like me.”
“She doesn’t like to feel rushed in the mornings. Just like me.”
Just Like Me
Have you ever thought about how your journey and your child’s journey are pretty much the same?
In a new world of better knowledge you and I, my friend, are working hard on healing our inner child.
Inner shame and inner fear.
We are working on:
- loving ourselves,
- sharing things we don’t want to share,
- naming our feelings,
- choosing to be kind,
- keeping our rooms clean,
- listening,
- respecting how we feel, and
- moving through our big emotions without hurting others.
You see. They are just like us.
We are all learning to self-regulate and better manage our emotions.
Why do I point this out?
To remind you that you and your child are a TEAM. Neither one of you wants to behave badly.
I hope that this one simple mantra, Just Like Me, keeps your heart open and your eyes looking for how you are the same and how you can work together to fix things.
Holding Space Resource
Holding onto your positive emotions takes practice.
I hope that you will use these mantras (or make one of your own) to help you hold onto your calm and positively influence the emotions in your home.
If you want to learn more about your power as a parent, you might also like these other resources.
Thanks for wonderful ideas and examples that I can continue to work on implementing in real life! ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. My two year old is very very emotional and only says a handful of words. Communication is a huge barrier and I’m also learning how to be a mom to a toddler for the first time and these are great suggestions for when she gets upset. I’m going to try it.