We can reduce control in parenting when we increase trust in our child’s development, their positive intent, and our parental intuition.
Parenting is the weirdest job.
There is no formal training and yet we are supposed to be able to do it so well that we eventually work ourselves out of it.
How?
I’m going to share 3 areas where parents can benefit from increasing trust and letting go of control.
Trust in Their Development
Why do toddlers push limits?
Do you know why 8-year-olds tattle?
Why do teenagers backtalk?
An important part of trusting a child more is merely trusting the process of their development. That they actually NEED each phase to grow the underdeveloped parts of their brain.
It can look like this:
- Toddlers seeking autonomy need to push limits to learn and understand boundaries.
- School-aged kids who are learning morality and social cues might need to learn by tattling.
- Teenagers learning how to express their big emotions and personal opinions might need to learn through backtalk.
Our job as parents is to teach our children essential age-appropriate skills and behaviors and then trust that their developing brains and bodies will eventually get it right. (Download our free Development Chart below for specific examples.)
If you don’t put faith in the step by step process of their growth (and the parts of it that need to be messy) then you’ll, unfortunately, end up:
- boxing the child up into a lifelong negative label (ex: messy, liar, rude)
- fueling the problem by making it much larger than it really is (attaching adult meaning to child behavior)
- slowing down their progress
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep the long-term perspective. Trust in their development.
Remember, truly honoring childhood means that we respect each stage of development, and not judge behavior based on adult standards.
Trust in Positive Intent
“Look for the good.”
“Water the flowers.”
I know you’ve heard me use these phrases before.
Why? Because I believe that every person has goodness inside them and is striving to make good choices.
Trust that your children are doing the best they can.
Trust that the messy explosion in the kitchen is a beautiful experiment and NOT an attempt to ruin your day.
Every time you can ignore the junk behaviors and instead remind your child that they are a good person with positive motives, they will take in that identity and light a little more.
Choose to see their goodness.
Choose to see their trying.
Isn’t this what you always hope people will do for you?
Trust Your Parental Intuition
As someone who hears from many different parents on a daily basis, let me say this.
There are a lot of things that parents are doing intuitively, that are “right”.
I say “right” because there are so many different rights.
But because you know your child best, you intuitively know the best “right” for your kids.
I feel that it is my responsibility to help you become a better parent, but also make sure you know what a good job you are doing.
I recently received an email from a mom whose child regressed from potty training and was waking up multiple times in the middle of the night.
We’ve all been there, we know the feeling! It’s super frustrating, difficult, and hard- but she was doing everything right. She was doing a great job.
Why it’s Okay if it’s Hard
I think where we as parents get tripped up when it comes to trusting our intuition, is when things get HARD- either for ourselves as a parent or for our children.
I want you to think about this in terms of your child’s development. There are some things that are just going to be hard.
- whining because they don’t feel like they have the ability to solve their own problems.
- tantrums because they get overstimulated.
- backtalk because their brain is turning inward and all they can see is their own stuff.
That’s all part of natural development and I want you to accept the idea that it’s okay if it is hard.
When I say, “It’s okay if it’s hard,” I don’t mean that things are dangerous or unsafe. That’s not okay.
When I say “It’s okay if it’s hard,” I’m talking about the process of growth.
Growth is always hard, uncomfortable, and messy.
Your growth as a parent will be hard and messy. Your child’s growth as she learns through each stage will be hard and messy.
And even when it is hard, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong as a parent.
Trust Over Control
I hope you understand how important it is to pull back our control as our child ages.
It’s so essential for us to work ourselves out of a job so that by the time they leave our homes, they are a high-functioning adult.
To do that, our children have to know that we trust them.
Think what a gift it would be if they know we have confidence that they are strong, capable people who can learn, grow, make messy mistakes, and eventually figure it out and flourish.
If you want to learn more about your power as a parent, you might also like these other resources.