Do you care more about your child’s homework more than they do? Here’s how to raise self-driven kids and reduce the homework stress for everyone.
When my oldest daughter was in elementary school, I was so good about worrying about her homework, that she didn’t have to anymore.
School nights were full of crying and lots of frustration (from all parties).
Helplessness vs. Competence
During one of these tear-filled tantrums, my mother came for a visit and pointed out that my daughter had learned helplessness.
Wait, wasn’t I helping her? No.
I was teaching her that she couldn’t do it. That I didn’t trust her to do it on her own. I was teaching her that “mother knew best” and that she shouldn’t trust herself.
Is that the message I wanted to send? No! That was a huge wake-up call for me. I needed to completely change my strategy!
The next day, instead of sitting down at the table and taking upon myself her responsibilities and stress, I asked a couple of questions. I set expectations. And I let it go. Yes, I was terrified. Of course, I was!
What if she fails?! What if I get a phone call from the teacher??
But instead, the change in her was miraculous. Over time, she became resilient. She developed into a determined, smart, and hardworking student.
5 Steps to Being a Homework Consultant
As parents, we want responsible kids who can run their own lives. And we want to be in control.
We can’t have both. (drat)
Stepping back from their homework and offering help and wisdom puts us in a consultant role rather than a demanding boss. It allows children to make lots of decisions (when the stakes are low) and get good at making them.
Here are 4 things you need to remember to be a successful homework consultant-
1. Ask if they want help
If they want help, they can ask but don’t force it upon them. Though it may make you feel uncomfortable, it is okay for them to struggle and try to figure something out on their own.
2. Respect their decisions
Do they want to do a project completely different than the “right” way you have in mind? Are they choosing to wait until the last night to complete an assignment? Do they insist they don’t need help? Let them make and learn from their choices when the stakes are small. Your job is to show them that you trust them. You trust their judgment, their brains, their determination, their grit.
3. Take time to teach
Before you jump in to do something for your child, stop and think, “Have they been taught how to do this?” Though it always seems easier to do something for our children, this will hinder their capabilities and competence in the future. Take a few minutes and teach them how to use the scissors, tie their shoes, or work the protractor. It will be better for everyone in the long run.
4. Keep it lighthearted
Remember to love them more than a completed assignment. Make things fun and look through the math problem to the goal, a child who enjoys learning. It takes a lot of practice and certainly some failure as well. But the goal is not a perfect outcome every time, it’s about growing.
5. Become a homework consultant
When you feel personally responsible for your child’s homework, the self-appointed boss, then after school time can be tense and stressful for everyone.
Instead, you can sound like a homework consultant and offer wisdom while encouraging their brains to figure it out on their own.
Ask questions like:
- “What’s your plan for your writing assignment?”
- “I have some work to do, but I am available between 4 and 5 pm if you’d like some help.”
- “Would you like some ideas for how to manage your time?”
- “That sounds like a confusing problem. What steps have you taken to learn how to solve it?”
Yes, it can look messy! But consistency and taking a consultant role can make a huge difference.
Children whose parents act as homework consultants:
- feel empowered to run their lives
- learn how to make decisions, and deal with positive and negative consequences
- build their problem-solving brain
- develop grit
- are comfortable with responsibility
- reliably follow-through
Resilient, competent kids who know how to run their own lives? I’ll take 4 please!
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