Before we get started, I want to make a few things clear when we are talking about family meals:
- It doesn’t have to be dinner.
- It doesn’t have to be at the table.
- It doesn’t even have to be “healthy” food.
It’s not about dinner. It’s about family.
We are going to let go of the “shoulds” surrounding family mealtimes and instead, focus on what matters.
Why Family Meals Matter
Now that we have that understanding, here is what the research says about the benefits of family mealtime!
Children and teens who eat a regular meal with their families are less likely to:
- drink alcohol
- smoke
- do drugs
- be depressed
- get pregnant
- die by suicide
- develop eating disorders
Children and teens who eat a regular meal with their families are more likely to have:
- larger vocabularies
- greater resiliency
- better manners
- healthier diets
- higher self-esteem
In a nutshell, mealtimes matter! So let’s figure out how to do them well. Here are my 3 best tips for creating family mealtimes that everyone enjoys.
Tip #1: Focus On What You Can Control
What are your biggest pain points when it comes to dinner?
When I ask parents this question, these are the most common replies:
- spouse home late
- bad table manners
- constant mess
- children not staying at the table
- picky eaters
All I have to say to that is… SAME.
For a solid 4 years, I had a daughter that was either sitting on my lap while I ate or crying and screaming because she wasn’t. It was SO HARD.
What finally gave me clarity and peace was realizing that I had no control over it. That situation wasn’t my fault or my responsibility! All I could do was be more purposeful with what I WAS in control of.
So, I started making really simple family meals, rearranging table seating so that the rest of the family was (most likely) going to do well, and at the same time rearranged my expectations that there wouldn’t be tantrums (because there always were).
You cannot control:
- if your child decides their least favorite food just happens to be what you made for dinner
- the big emotions and tantrums that are brought to the table
- if your partner or teen shows up late because of work
You can control:
- what you make for dinner
- to choose fun conversations and games
- the boundaries you create with screens during mealtime
- implementing an after-dinner clean-up that involves the whole family
- to keep food neutral
The good news is, the things that we are in control of are actually the most impactful, the things that fortify us, and the things that make life easier.
Tip #2: Keep Food Neutral
Never have I ever had so many hands shoot up so fast at workshops as when I start talking about food. All of a sudden, things get serious.
An adult’s story surrounding food is:
- cost
- waste
- health
- control
- unresolved past emotions
A child’s story surrounding food is:
- “What my body is telling me?”
Children are BEAUTIFUL intuitive eaters. How many times have you seen a child take one bite of a delicious cookie and run off to play? They do what feels right!
Unfortunately, because of our complex (unhealthy) relationship with food, we create countless experiences where a child is directed to ignore how they feel and just eat the food. Once we give up trying to control everything, everyone is HAPPIER and HEALTHIER.
Of course, there are always exceptions. But in general, keeping food neutral in your home is freeing for both parent and child.
A parent’s responsibility is to decide what the child is offered and when it is offered. The child is then responsible to decide if they eat it and how much.
When we follow this pattern of division of responsibilities, it teaches our children at an early age to listen to their bodies and to follow their hunger/satiation cues. It also helps them develop a healthy relationship with food!
Tip #3: Safe Talk
Safe talk is when a parent and child have a conversation, like friends.
You allow your child to express their day, their ideas, and their feelings freely without giving sermons, moralizing, or inserting a judgment call. No strict directives or shame. It’s an open mic with mutual respect and listening.
This kind of experience draws children and teens to the family table.
I’ve created a resource to help encourage safe talk and positive conversations around the dinner table. Print off these questions and put them in two separate jars. One set is for kids to ask their parents, and one is for the whole family!
Make Mealtimes Fun
I want to challenge you to HAVE FUN with your kids in the kitchen. My “Kitchens Are For Dancing” playlist will help! And don’t forget the party lights!
If you want to learn more about using your power as a parent, you’ll love these: