If you want an infographic summary of “why we don’t do sleepovers,” put your info below!
“Can I live with the consequences?”
That’s a question I ask myself often as a parent.
Sometimes it’s about something small—like saying yes to ice cream before dinner. Other times it’s about bigger decisions, like how I respond when I feel overwhelmed. Do I yell and take it out on others, or do I take a break before I snap?
It can also be about what situations I let my children be in. Do I let them spend time in risky situations, or do I teach them about the dangers of sleepovers and offer fun alternatives instead?
And honestly? Deciding we could not live with the consequences helped shape our family’s decision about sleepovers. I refuse to knowingly put my children in a place where they will experience more risk.
I know this topic can bring up big feelings for parents. There’s no judgment here for families who make different choices. Every parent is trying to do what they feel is best for their child. But after looking at the research and statistics, my husband and I decided sleepovers weren’t worth the added risk for our family.
The bigger question then became: How do we talk to our kids about sleepovers?
Because I don’t want my children to grow up afraid of the world. I want them to grow up feeling safe, confident, informed, and empowered. So instead of making sleepovers about fear, we make the conversation about safety, wisdom, and family values.
Here are a few things we focus on when talking to our kids:
1. “Our job is to keep you safe.”
Children actually feel more secure when parents confidently set loving boundaries. We explain that every family has different rules, and this is one of ours.
Not because their friends are bad. Not because we distrust everyone. But because our children deserve layers of protection.
A CDC article about preventing child abuse says that about 90% of child sexual abuse is done by someone the child knows and trusts. It can be a hard statistic to accept, but this means that trusted adults, like friends or family, may also make poor choices at sleepovers.
2. “Kids make different choices late at night.”
We talk openly about how our brains get tired at night. When kids are tired, they are more likely to act on impulse. They may also struggle to respond well in uncomfortable situations.
Sleepovers also present a high risk of pornography exposure. A U.S. Department of Justice study says child psychologists warn that children may be more likely to view pornography in groups rather than alone. Additionally, peer pressure can lower inhibition and increase risk-taking. Add a late night, and that is not a smart combination!
Talking to our children about how the brain works helps them understand our choice. We want them to understand that we based our decision on brain science and safety, not on punishment.
3. “You never need to stay somewhere you feel uncomfortable.”
Even outside of sleepovers, we want our children to know that they can trust themselves and their instincts. If they feel uncomfortable for any reason, they can always call us. Teaching children to trust their instincts is a life skill.
We have a solid understanding between us and our children that we will always pick them up from anywhere, anytime, no matter what! They can always leave a situation without fear of trouble.
4. “Home is a safe place to rest.”
We try to frame sleeping at home as a positive thing—not a restriction. Being in your own bed, your own environment, and with the people who help you feel safe and regulated provides comfort. You don’t have to pack up, you don’t have to worry that you forgot anything, and you don’t have to worry about people seeing anything that’s private.
5. “There is a difference between needing a place to stay, and having a sleepover.”
There are times when people need a place to stay (necessary), and that is different from having a sleepover (unnecessary). Do we let a niece stay over as she’s passing through town? Yes. Do we let friends stay over while their home is being sold and they are moving to a new one? Yes. Do we help care for cousins while their parents are on a trip? Yes.
I think the key is trying to control as much as you can when someone needs a place to stay, whether that’s other people or your child. For example, try to keep it at your place with your rules! Of course there will be circumstances when cousins will be sleeping overnight with other cousins in the home. But our unbending rule is that boys and girls NEVER sleep in the same room.
6. “Youth camps are allowed only when…”
My girls go to girls’ camp because we believe in a concept called “two-deep leadership.” This means that there are always at least two leaders at an event, and those leaders are either the same gender or a married couple. This helps to prevent any circumstances when a child would be with a leader one-on-one. Also, there is a strict NO PHONE policy at these camps. Because these two pieces are in place, my girls are allowed to attend church camps.
7. “We can still have LOTS of fun with friends.”
This part matters so much.
If all children hear is “no,” resentment can build. So let’s turn this “no” into a “yes!” We work hard to create fun alternatives with friends that they will look forward to, like:
- late nights
- themed parties
- movie marathons
- breakfast hangouts
- sleep unders
- backyard campfires with s’mores
- game nights
The goal here is connection with safety built around it! We can do so many different fun things in the daytime, or a little later at night than normal, without sleeping over.
8. “We make decisions purposefully.”
I want my children to learn that families don’t have to follow every cultural norm automatically. Thoughtful parenting means slowing down, looking at the risks, and making intentional choices. Choices that aren’t based on fear, but rather our own experience, current research, and what we believe is best for our children.
At the end of the day, every family will make their own decisions about sleepovers. But whatever you choose, I hope it’s something you’ve considered carefully and prayerfully. My children are my greatest treasure, and I want to do everything in my power to ensure they have a safe and successful life.
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These are all great responses. I have since changed my stance on Youth Camps. I was a YW leader and went to Girls’ Camp a few years ago and it opened up my eyes to the abuse that happens there. Just because the policy is “No phones,” doesn’t mean there aren’t any. And just because there is “two-deep leadership” practiced there, doesn’t change the fact that leaders aren’t able to witness everything 100% of the time, and all sorts of things happen among peers. Thinking that girl on girl abuse or boy on boy abuse doesn’t happen fails to protect our kids from real situations. Now that I know better, I have told my daughter (whose first year of camp is in a few weeks) that we will need to figure out alternative ways for her to be involved in those camps without the sleeping over part. She was totally okay with that response because she knows I’m trying to keep her safe. It’s a lot more planning and inconvenience for me, but her safety is worth it!
Her safety (and your peace of mind) is absolutely worth it! You get to decide what is and isn’t okay for your family. I hope she has a great experience at camp!
This is a great blog post, Ralphie! We are not quite to this age yet, but I will be saving this one because I love the way you have worded things.
I believe you make very sound and legitimate points about being cautious about your children having sleep overs.
Thank you for the advice.
I share similar views as you do.
A child’s level of sexual education is also super important since you can’t always control every situation. Church camp may not be safe if they are pulled aside by a leader or groomed and it even happens in school. Educating kids about inappropriate touch is super important. And yeah, you can segregate your children by gender from family but same gender sexual touch can still happen. I don’t think you can ever get too comfortable with any situation because there really isn’t a way to guarantee safety. We are all doing our best to protect our kids. Let them know you are a safe space to share anything, monitor technology and supervise friend visits.
I absolutely agree. You can play defense all you want, but really filling your children with knowledge about what to do when—not if—a situation presents itself, is the best course of action. And as always, you get to make the decisions that are best for your family.